For Richer or Poorer

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America's real-life answer to Bridget Jones! Kirstie Alley has captured our hearts on screen and now she is poised to do it again in print as she laughingly explores our obsession with fat, food, love, sex, beauty and weight loss. "Dear Diary, Decided to write book today. Thought am good writer, am smart gal, have interesting sex-filled (lie) life. Thought can write about men, life, love, family, food, sex and fatassedness. Thought can share stories with tiny-butted and big-butted alike. Can tell people why fat, why (was) cokehead, why traffic jams and herbal laxatives don't mix, and why suede pants and sprinklers have same rule...More important..can show world how life is beautiful and funny, no matter size of butt."The increasing girth of Kirstie Alley's rear end has figured prominently (pun intended) on many a tabloid cover in recent years. At the peak of her career ("Cheers"), of c! ourse, her butt was indeed at its smallest. It's no surprise that she therefore sums up her life philosophy this way: one's level of happiness tends to be inversely proportional to the size of one's posterior.

With extremely salty language on par with what you might hear in a 50 Cent song, Alley has penned a self-deprecating Hollywood tell-all in the disguise of "note-to-self"-style diary entries. With many apologies to Bridget Jones, we learn that Alley is a former cocaine addict who once participated in the snorting of a six-foot-long trail of powder at a party. (She's says she's currently a Scientologist and credits L. Ron Hubbard with curing her of her narcotic addiction, as well as her issues with food.) We also learn--for better or worse--that she has the hots for John Travolta, Kid Rock, and Ben Affleck, and that she blames her weight gain for a super-extended period of unplanned celibacy.

As crass as she is (she kisses and tells, even including the s! ordid details of her losing her virginity in the front seat of! a Chevy Impala), it's hard not to feel sympathetic for Alley. She admits that following a miscarriage in her third month of pregnancy and subsequent diagnosis of infertilityâ€"which were also broadcast in the tabloids--her weight started ballooning. And as much as she dishes about Hollywood actors such as Tim Matheson (of Animal House fame), she has the decency to leave Parker Stevenson, her ex-husband and father of their two adopted children, out of the gossiping. Even so, overall, this feels like a strangely extended endorsement of Dianetics. --Erica JorgensenDVDTim Allen and Kirstie Alley are New York scammers on the lam from the IRS--they got framed by their slimy accountant, Wayne Knight of Seinfeld--so they hide out as fake Amish farmers in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. As parodies of Witness go, For Richer or Poorer can't compete with the Woody Harrelson-Bill Murray flick Kingpin, by the creators of Dumb & Dumber. Allen a! nd Alley are directed by the creator of McHale's Navy. But wait, come back! The true test of talent is a capacity to romp right through weak material, and while this story is hopelessly lame and formulaic, Allen and Alley are credible candidates for the clown prince and princess of broad TV comedy. When somebody wonders how come alleged Amish guy Tim Allen has no beard, Kirstie says, "Lice." Of course, his face has no lice on it either, so Kirstie adds, "Minute lice!" --Tim Appelo